National Emergency - 10 ways to get past the US/Mexico Border Wall
Happy National Emergency!
I originally wrote this last month when the government shut down, but I guess it's a good thing I held off, 'cuz this is way better!
Top 10 ways to cross the US/Mexico border, even with Trump’s wall.
We went through the longest government shutdown in history and against all polls, Trump is circumventing Congress to get his wall dammit! I’m starting to think that maybe the president might not have America's citizens best interest in mind...
Anyways, If a stupid wall is going to keep millions of people from getting paid, getting federal aid, or just keeping us afraid, then here are some quick, cheap, and effective ways to cross the US/Mexico border, even with Trump's wall/barrier/fence/line of salt. (Hey, at least a line of salt will keep the snails out!)
10) Hot air balloon
With just a basket, a propane tank, and a good breeze, the United States is just a matchstick away! And with clear open land, just about anyone could sail across without needing to worry about getting caught in trees! Just a friendly piece of advice: don’t forget to pack a picnic lunch!
9) A Tunnel
Tunnels are the underground railway and are already being dug across areas of the US/Mexico border that already has a wall up!
The best part is that our own president knows that, too and still wants a wall, so consider that permission!
8) Ask Nicely
When the government shuts down again (presumably because the president didn’t want apple slices in his happy meal) there will be plenty of border security officers going weeks without pay. I don’t think it’ll take much for them to look the other way. Hey, in a 2,000 or so mile-long stretch, there’s got to be at least one disgruntled officer, right?
7) catapults, trebuchets, and siege engines
Trump famously said, "Walls are Medieval". So I say Let's get Medieval! What did they do in Medieval times when they were confronted with castle walls?
Look, if the US is going to shill our billions of dollars for a wall, why not spend a weekend with the boys, and build a super low-cost ancient wall-breaking device? For maybe $500 worth of wood and rope, you can do hundreds of thousands in serious damage!
Hell! Why even bother with medieval technology? Why go through all that trouble? Just bring a ladder! Or, if you want to be really cheeky, just make a staircase out of all those millions of bricks of drugs that the president claims Mexico has. Then, you can put a ramp on it and wheel paraplegic immigrants across, too! No Mexican left behind, that’s what I say!
5) Grappling Hook
Here’s some advice: If it works for Batman it’s good. So, how does the caped crusader scale tall buildings? Grappling hook! A nice sturdy wall like the proposed border would fit just fine!
4) Human Pyramid
How many Mexicans are in a Caravan? It’s not just a setup to an old and tired joke. At least six, right? That’s enough for a human pyramid. Once one person makes it over, they can hold a rope for everyone else to climb!
Better yet, and I know this is a bit dark, but hear me out: According to the President, there are hordes of slaves human traffickers right on the other side, right? so, use those people as your human pyramid! You get over the wall, and the humans in said pyramid don't enter the country! It's a perfect win/win!
3) A Boat
I understand that maybe some of these suggestions sound impractical. Maybe you’re afraid of heights. Maybe you wheeled Abuelita to the top of the wall and then realized there wasn’t a ramp going down the other side. I hear ya! Worry not, because if you have a boat, you can just row, sail, or just swim from a Mexican shore up and around to a Californian beach. I must warn you though, the California beach babes might steer you off course! Then again, how much better could a “Welcome to our land” get then a bunch of sunbathing cuties within the first steps you take in your new country!?
2) An Armored Titan
We’ve seen an armored titan charge through walls bigger and stronger than the one President Trump wants. With even just one go around, the armored titan could do immense damage that would easily allow way more people to cross the border, all while taking care of any border police who dare try to stand up to it.
1) Trade places
You WANT to enter this country!? I promise in this political climate full of corruption and chaos, it won’t be hard to find someone on the other side dying to leave!