Journey to the Planet Fitness

I wouldn't consider myself obese, but I'm definitely fat. Like, I get out of breath if I get out of bed too fast! One days I decided to do something about it. "I'm going to get in shape!" I said to myself. So, I searched far and wide and I discovered a planet. Planet Fitness! Unlike our planet which is blue, Planet Fitness is purple and yellow. I know that I will probably never be lucky enough to visit Mars, the red planet, so I guess the Purple planet is the closest I'll get to physically leaving Earth. I went to the front desk and I noticed a cup of newt pens that drew in purple ink and a little basket of tootsie rolls with the Planet Fitness logo on it. Cute. I asked the girl at the front desk what the membership options were. She said there were two options: a monthly plan where you can only use the machines and you get a white t-shirt, and a monthly plan where you can use the machines at every location, and you get a black t-shirt. I'm no idiot! I know that I'm not traveling anywhere, and I don't need to pay more for access to a tanning booth I'll never use... but what am I going to do with a white T-shirt? That's a thin person's color! Suffice to say, I got the black card option. Remember in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where the doors open and it's a magical landscape full of pure imagination? Well, that's basically what I felt like once I got access past the front door, only instead of giant gum balls and lollipops, there were treadmills and stationary bikes. Instead of Oompa Loompas there were fat people and elderly people waddling about, and instead of pure imagination, it was a cloud of vaporized sweat. It didn't take long for the magic to wear off. Comparing it to a factory is pretty accurate: Hell! their logo is gears! Now, you may have noticed that so far I have never once said the word "gym". That is on purpose. Planet Fitness is not a gym nor should it ever be mistaken for one. It's not. It's a health club, and it's a shitty health club at best! Fair is fair, though. Planet Fitness does have features that a real gym has: broken equipment, broken muted TVs stuck on either ESPN or MTV, and that awful sterile smell used to cover up a thousand grosser smells. All over the walls are giant posters, let’s face it, "Planet Fitness propaganda", talking about how they are a "judgement free zone". They even made up a word: "gymtimidation"! Don't worry Planet Fitness, nobody here was planning on joining a real gym to begin with. By the way, Those are the phrases they trademarked: "Judgement free zone" not even "Judgement free gym"! If all that wasn't good enough for you, they also have, and I shit you not, a "Lunk Alarm"; also trademarked. "What is a "lunk alarm"," you ask? Well, it's a blaring siren used if there is a "lunk" in the vicinity. It's kind of like an air raid siren or a tornado warning, but less scary and more...dumb. Now, Planet Fitness has a modified definition of what a "lunk is":

I know at first glance you think, "cute." No. Not cute. It's 100% legitimately enforced! I have had the privilege on the day I signed up to hear their "anti-lunk" policy enforced! I can go on a whole tangent about a "gym" discouraging serious bodybuilders and pushing one's self, but, remember, it's a "zone", not a "gym"! No. What I wanted to point out was that the "judgement free zone" reserves the right to judge others if they are working out too loudly or wearing a tank top by ringing an alarm louder than any grunt I've ever heard! I have my earbuds in and I'm focusing on not passing out; I don't ever notice the instigating "lunk", but everyone is made aware of the loud obnoxious alarm that goes off for quite a while. If I was bullied by my health club with the entire room full of people glaring at me for ruining their concentration, I think I would feel quite "gymtimidated" by everyone in this $20-a-month "judgement free zone"! My voyage to the planet fitness is not yet over, as I have saved the best for last. Planet Fitness holds a special event on the first Monday of every month and the second Tuesday of every month: "Pizza Mondays" and "Bagel Tuesdays". Please take a moment to soak that in. This "health club" is providing its members Bagels! and Pizza! Pizza! Like I said, Planet Fitness is not a gym, it's a shitty health club that sells sugary energy drinks and has a basket of chocolates at its front desk! Now, I was very unfortunate and was never able to attend a "Pizza Monday" or "Bagel Tuesday". I couldn't believe it at first and Planet Fitness is very coy about announcing the details of these special events. So I hopped onto their Facebook page to get more information when I came across this amazing thread in the comments section:

(NOTE: for added comedic effect, read them with the voice of the “Comic Book Guy” from The Simpsons)

I couldn't have made up anything better! It wasn't long until I started feeling too familiar to this strange land, and it was about time I said goodbye. Planet Fitness charges a $60 cancellation fee! I'm not paying that! Fortunately, luck was on my side because a few weeks later, I lost my wallet. Yes, it really sucked and I never got it back. However, I was smart enough to immediately cancel my debit card and issue a new one. That card was the only form of payment Planet Fitness had on me. So, I simply just didn't update my payment information on my profile. So, now Planet Fitness will charge a declined number until they figure it out. See how everything works out?

That ended my short interstellar travel to a planet that truly seemed like a different world. Whenever we pass by the giant purple and yellow signs, my brother just mutters “Planet Fatness!” how appropriate!

I’m sure I’m not the first to report back my experiences. The “Planet Fatness” logo isn’t mine, so I’m glad I’m not alone. I hope Planet Fitness never realizes it’s ignorance. It’s just funny! In fact, I coincidentally just happened to see their most recent Tweet:

Yes Planet Fitness, I’m sure there are tons of great reasons for people to skip a workout…in January, when people are trying their hardest to go every day!