My Commencement Speech

A Speech that I'll never get to Read by Dovid Bulgatz

Hey everyone,

My name is Dovid Bulgatz. 90% of you all never heard of me or seen me before. That's okay; the feeling's mutual.

For all of those who want to know a little about me, I'm a huge dork, I don't take anything seriously, and I'm a rebel. I'm more excited that Star Wars: Rogue one premiered today than I am about wearing this stupid cardboard square on my head!

So what am I going to say to all of you? What do I want to say to all of you? Thank you? No. I don't know you. I got here myself, without any of your help, and you all practically made it here on your own, too. Do I congratulate you? No. you'll get a balloon from your parents that says that.

In order to speak to you all about your future, I need to bring you back a little first. Remember High school? I member. I know that 90% of us don't want to open that bottle. Like me, you were saving it for your therapist in 40 years. But I really do want you to remember high school. Remember how god-awful life was and how you really wanted to just kill something purely out of frustration, angst, and hormones!

High school is just the worst, period. Now, I know I had a worse experience than most, and I know that others had it way worse than I have. The point is that you preserved. Defying all the shit and assholes you had to wade through, you didn't choose the easy way out. You didn't drop out; you came back for seconds!

A lot of you might be wondering, "high school was fun, and college is a great way to network and boost your resume." Frankly, I'm not talking to you or your fraternity brothers. In fact, aren't you supposed to be at an ass-kissing conference right now? Face it, you don’t need a speech; you’ll be all right working at your father’s firm and living in the suburbs.

Anyways, college is a nightmare but it gets a pass because it's better than high school and you can legally drink. I know I'm not alone when I say that applying to school was a nightmare, figuring out what classes I needed to take without help from unqualified advisors was a bigger nightmare, and applying for financial aid made me want to volunteer as tribute in the next hunger games.

Despite all the horror I experienced and money that was gouged out of me, I thoroughly enjoyed most of my classes, professors, and peers, and I can guarantee that I am a better person and a smarter person than I ever thought I would be.

Pretty soon, you all will find a boring job and settle, being content with your decisions and live a moderately good life with your spouse and kids and pets.

NO!!!

Don't do that!

Never settle!

These past experiences are supposed to prepare you for the real world! Haven't you been paying attention!? Life's a shitshow! Never forget that! You're not going to be the one that breaks through the giant gap between now and billionaire!

You're going to be offered the corporate Kool-Aid pretty soon, if not already. Don't grow complacent! Remember your past and hold it!

I want for all of you to pick a job and be the best at it. I want you all to rise the corporate ladder, break the glass ceiling, sell the most cookies, whatever it is you have to do to usurp whoever is in front of you.

I want you to usurp your superiors. And I want you to carry all the shit you've been through all the way up the ladder, and only once you've climbed as high as you possibly can, I want you to do something rarely ever done. I want you to then drop it! Drop it on everyone you’ve crossed to get there! Take your seat at the top and bring it back down the ladder and sit with the people at the bottom! You know what? Kick down the damn ladder! Why would you make it so hard for anyone else to get where you were!? Revenge!? Paying it forward!? No! You're better than that! You're going to change the system because you haven't forgotten everything you've been through!

And you won't need a ladder to keep people from stealing your job, because you're the best at it, remember? Besides, the people don't hate the living shit out of you! They will respect you! That's how you will change the world, being the little individual snowflake you are. We are all exactly what the higher-ups fear the most: young, intelligent, passionately-driven hopeful people. And they reel you in by hitting you where it hurts: your debt. Your fear of poverty. They don't need to do a lot to bring you over: give you a managerial position and a parking space.

That's your price for complacency!? No! Take it as an insult, because it truly is!

So, when you leave this building, I want you to remember all the shit you've been through, and change the world by usurping your superiors and bringing your high position back down! Then, you can settle down and have kids and stuff. That's what I'm going to do, and I insist you do the same. Do it for our country and for our future!

Congratulations to all of you! You're true journey is about to begin!