Harry Potter's Graduation Speech - Revised

A Parody Speech by Dovid Bulgatz

 

(Start with spell:) “I solemnly swear; I’m giving a speech.”

“Good evening, and no, I am not under the teleprompter-ous curse.”

I would like to begin by acknowledging Professor Dumbledore, Professor Hawkins, and Professor Snape. They, among many others, provided me an exciting academic career, and whether it’s mixing potions or catching snitches, I always knew they had my back.

Next, I would like to hold a brief moment of silence in memory of the “defense-against-the-dark-arts” teacher who has passed away during the school year.

(pause)

And many thanks to professor Snape, for covering the class.

 

For those who may not know me, my name is Harry Potter. I was on the wizard’s chess team, seeker on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, started my own organization, “Dumbledore’s army”, winner of the tri-wizard tournament, and a regular in detention. Some people may recognize me as “the boy who lived” and others may notice me as that guy who was wandering around in the girl’s bathroom. But do not see me as the one who broke his godfather out of Azkaban, or the guy who was tried for murdering his friend; see me as “Harry, just Harry”.

 

A lot has happened during my time here at Hogwarts, and I would like to reminisce for a moment.

 

Gryffindor has finally won the house cup in a long time, shattering Slytherin’s streak. Me and my friends killed the troll in the dungeon, the Basilisk, Professor Quierrell, and Lord Voldemort, like, a dozen times. But we saved the life of a hippogriff!

 

I have seen many bathrooms get destroyed, towers fall, gargoyles knocked down, and windows shatter. Granted I was responsible for most of it, especially when I let that dragon chase me around the entire castle, fun times, but I’d like to personally thank the janitor, Argus Filch, for his unending quest to make a 1,000-year-old castle look like a 1-year-old castle.

And who could forget all the things I stole? Let’s see, there was the Marauder’s map, that book in the restricted section, Tom Riddle’s diary, Crabbe and Goyle’s identities, the sword of Gryffindor, the sorting hat, the Sorcerer’s stone, a few wands, my friend’s dad’s car, the ownership of a house elf, and Buckbeak. Although most of these were later returned, I did serve my time for taking them, and I sincerely apologize to those people. But in my defense, I was saving the world at the time.

The biggest lesson I learned throughout my years at Hogwarts is the power of friendship:

 

Red hair... and a hand-me-down robe; yes, I’m talking about Ron Weasley. A fellow who sacrificed himself for a checkmate, he is what I call a true friend.

 

And let us not forget the girl who made sure she attended every class offered here. Hermione Granger, the brains behind most of our schemes and adventures. (To her) Hey Hermione, next time you mix up a polyjuice potion, try to add some Sugar! They taste dreadful, and I remember there being a hair in mine last time!

 

Oh, and Neville…uh…hmmm… Oh! thanks for not telling on us when we paralyzed you. I guess that is the mark of true friendship.

But the greatest lesson I’ve learned was that Love conquers all:

When I defeated Quirrell/Voldemort, it was the love of my mother who made it possible for me to burn him alive with my hands.

And it was the love of my friends, who helped me wander throughout the world for months, escaping the Ministry of Magic, and figuring how to destroy the pesky horcruxes. You’d think Voldemort would’ve put a GPS on those!

But most of all, when I had the final duel with Voldemort, who was there but the spirit of my deceased parents and friends who gave me the will to finally destroy him. Hey, who would’ve thought that an “Expelliarmus” could defeat an “Avada Kedavra”? Definitely not Voldemort, that’s for sure!

But with all honesty, I thank everyone for making Hogwarts my home; my true home.

Truly, the past six plus two part years have been the most defining moments in my entire acting career, er, my academic career.

Finally, I’d like to end by acknowledging that we will always be bound by everlasting friendship, throughout the years to come, regardless if you were in the house of Gryffindor, Slytherin, raven-something, and uhh… forgot the last one…cheese-puff? Because we all entered the school as one class, fought alongside one another as one class, and survived Professor Umbridge’s uncanny cat obsession as one class.

So, without further ado, I would like to invite you to join me in the grand ballroom.

 

Congratulations to the class of 1998!