Don't be a Sonic | Writings

Don’t be a Sonic, be a Pikachu

A Poem by Dovid Bulgatz

Don’t be a Sonic, be a Pikachu.

Don’t make people sick to their stomach when they look at you.

Be something that your fans can adore,

Not a marketing fail that’s a surefire bore

Don’t give people the urge to jump off a ledge,

Because that death’s more preferable than Sonic the Hedge’

(I know you scrapped that design, but I’m still on edge.)

We know that the blue blur can breeze through a mile,

But at least Pikachu has an adorable smile!

Faith to the original design is not to be beneath

So, why, oh God why did you give Sonic human teeth!?

Don’t you understand that your films’ greatest boons,

Was their iconic designs when drawn as cartoons?

(And now you’re out 90 mil, looking like buffoons.)

Pikachu is cute and cuter with a hat,

They added personality so he wouldn’t be flat.

Meanwhile we have Sonic. He’s “Gotta go fast”

But who cares about Nikes? the 90’s long passed.

You both cast an actor so your movie they’d carry,

For Pikachu, Ryan Reynolds. For Sonic, Jim Carrey?

(Haven’t you seen his past films? He’s scary!)

The Pikachu’s trailer used two songs we all know,

“Happy Together” and “Holding out for a Hero”

It evokes how the characters grow to be friends

And they will become heroes by the time the film ends.

But for some ungodly reason you chose “Gangsta’s Paradise”,

And now here you are, designing Sonic twice.

(And rushing your dev team to crunch isn’t nice!)