Moon Tour Guide
A Short Monologue Play by Dovid Bulgatz
Brethaniel – tour guide to moon tourists. She’s young and not too new on the job. She still enjoys it, even if no one else is particularly excited.
The Moon. Mars has been colonized, and now the moon is a quaint, little national treasure, offering visitors a home-away-from-Earth getaway.
20X6 (Homestarrunner fans, anyone?) eve of the 21st century.
(Brethaniel is a tour guide, pointing out the landmarks and taking questions from the tourists, which would make her facing the audience.
Alright everyone, welcome to the moon. I’m Brethaniel and I’m your appointed tour guide for the evening! If you have any questions or want to know a little more about anything, just let me know. Is everyone all here? (looks around, then back at sheet of paper) Space-tasic!
Otherwise referred to as Mars’ stepping stone, archeologists estimate that the moon was formed all the way back to day two of creation! It has been speculated that the ground we are standing on is the fossilization of pasteurized lactic cultures. Unfortunately, the myth was put to a definite end in 2034 when nutritionist Dr. Karen Bromsfeld choked on a rock in between a steak sandwich. We’ll pass her memorial later on, but because of her discovery, the swiss-steak sandwich is the official delicacy of the moon, as you may have seen inside any of the three lunar nutria-stations located on the moon here.
(Pauses to hear a question, then answering) No, I’m sorry, the McDonald’s isn’t set to open until the fall.
Now, over to the right you’ll see—what’s that? Does someone have a question? Yeah? Uh-huh?… No; Brethaniel. Yeah… no… it’s alright. You can fill it out later.
On our right, you can see the flag that Neil Armstrong put on the moon, all the way back in 1969.
(Pauses to hear another question.) No, this one is actually a replica; the original flag would have had 50 stars, actually. The real one was stolen by wily tourists a couple years back and now it’s at the bottom of a crater somewhere.
(Pauses) No, they died… We haven’t bothered to look…
Now, does anyone know what the name of the manned craft that first landed on the moon? No, it was not Apollo 13, you’re thinking of the movie. No, the craft was named Apollo 11. Apollo 11…
(Pauses.) No, this was in July, 1969. You’re thinking of something else: I think it was 2001 or something, I don’t remember…
O.k., so if you would all line up single-file, you can walk through one of the lunar crate modules that has been emptied and refurnished. These crates held the plexiglass and drywall used to make the gift shop! Make sure to pick up a “chunk of preserved lunar drywall” keychain on your way out!
…And that’ll about do it for this tour, unless anyone has any questions? I know one person once asked me why we don’t have visors to protect up from the amore’! (laughs at her own joke.)
No? Alrighty! Well, make sure you fill out your tour guide eva-“lunar”-uations and if you don’t mind giving me five stars, that’d be really appreciated! Again, my name is Brethaniel, and it’s been re—
— what’s that? No, Breh-thaniel. Yeah. B-R-E, T-H-A, N-I-E-L. Breath-aniel. What? No, it’s like Brett and Nathaniel…
…Well, my parents couldn’t decide between Brett and Nathaniel, so they combined the two.
…I know, but they didn’t realize I was a girl until they left the hospital…
…I tried, I tried, but they lost the forms and I didn’t find out until we moved…
…Actually, there was one kid in high school named Xanderthal Cranberry, and that kept a lot of the heat off me so, you know, it wasn’t terrible…
…What? Oh, yeah, it’s uh, Smith. Anyways, thanks for visiting! I hope your trip was “out of this world”!